From The Inside Out

by Marilynn Halas on September 17th, 2014
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kids-resilience

How can we empower and inspire our children in the small moments that link together to make up a day, a year, even a lifetime. We all want to share messages of positive parenting and raise kids to feel safe, secure and even peaceful, but it can be easier said than done. I think a big reason why parents can often feel at a loss is that we might be a little conflicted ourselves.

On the one hand we very much want our kids to be resilient, we just don’t want them to ever need to be. We want our kids to feel strong and secure, but we are afraid to let them feel uncomfortable. We want to raise empathetic adults, but we also want to shelter our kids from the sadness in the world. It’s all quite understandable; it’s just that it’s also quite counter-productive.

I remember taking archery when I was in school. The idea of a bow and arrow sounded exciting and vaguely heroic right up until I held it in my hand. I stood at the line and pulled back the bow, held my breath and let it fly. It soured through the air and didn’t even get close to the target, let alone the bull’s eye. My teacher laughed and gave me some great advice. She said you have to choose your target, keep your eyes open and never give up.

The same is true raising a family. As parents we have to choose a target because no matter how skilled we may be, we cannot give our kids the tools they need to live peaceful and resilient lives, unless we allow discomfort to be a part of their lives and buffer them a little less. We have to keep our eyes open to sadness, ours and someone else’s, if we are to build empathy. There is a price for strength; it must be won by endurance.

Therein lies the big conflict many of us face. We want our kids to have the tools for a peaceful and meaningful life, but we also want to protect them as much as we can. It can be tough to find the balance between building life skills and maintaining the happy bubble we all know and love.

I think the first step might be as simple as acknowledging that we have an inner conflict. We want our kids to build resilience, just not today. That is only natural. No one wants their child to be uncomfortable, but it helps me to think of it like a vaccine. It’s not easy to hold our babies as they get their shots. They cry, sometimes we cry and the whole process can be upsetting; but no matter how scary it is to get your shots, it is far more scary to face a devastating and PREVENTABLE disease. Protecting your health is worth the temporary discomfort.

The same is true for life skills. Protecting your mental health and inner peace is worth the temporary discomfort required to build empathy, self-advocate and become resilient. Empowering our children means slowly allowing them to experience the tougher parts of life while you are there to guide them. It’s not easy, but it is far more generous than leaving them unprepared for life’s inevitable ups and downs or awaiting a rescue that may never come. Giving our kids the gift of empathy, confidence and trust in their resiliency may be the most protective action any parent can take.


Categories: General