Marilynn's Blog

Every family has their own way of dealing with this time of year and mine is no exception.  Welcome to the bedlam of getting four kids, ten years apart ready for another fun-filled year of teachers, books and more homework than you can shake a stick at. (I don’t really know much about shaking sticks, but I’m sure we have far too much homework to worry about it anyway.)

It’s natural for everyone to feel a little anxious about returning to school after a summer of free time and relaxing.  It’s hard to make the move to living more and more inside and the challenges of school, homework, sports and music.  Add to that any hope of precious free time to just play and it can be a tall order for sure, but not impossible.  Take a deep breath and plan, that’s what works for us.

The single most important thing to do BEFORE school gets crazy is to prioritize.  My list looks something like this.  1. Family, 2. School, 3. Play, 4. Sports, 5. Music.  Even looking at my list makes my pulse quicken just a little.  How will it work this year?    Weekend games or games an hour away on a school night can be a real threat to family dinners.  Teaching my kids that unstructured time to play and laugh and just breathe is important and should be prioritized, can be a struggle.  In a world that is all about shuttling our kids from this to that and back again, it’s not always easy to be the lone voice in the wilderness saying let’s build a fort on a Tuesday afternoon.  Kids buy into the constant messaging all around them and feel like a day without an appointment is odd.  Still, I believe in play and I believe in family play, so it’s on my list.

School is the easy one.  No doubt we will all get to school and do our best.  My kids set up around the kitchen table for homework.  All four of them stake out a space and everyone has areas of expertise if a sibling needs some help.  It means so much to me to see them working side-by-side and helping when needed.  It’s a great review for some and a treat for others to help out the older ones by sharpening a pencil or getting the calculator.  The homework table is an experiment in teamwork five nights a week.

Sports and music are important too.  Our rule of thumb is one after school activity that is physical, (lets you work up a good sweat) and one that is for self-expression, (music is a great artistic outlet and painting is great too.)  Playing on a team does more for self-confidence and self control than almost anything else and it is another way to build the family team by cheering each other on.  Artistic expression helps a child channel their emotions into beauty and that is a life skill for coping with challenges at any age.

So now you have it, my list and my priorities for my family.  Yours may be different because your family is different.  This is a personal process, but what really matters is that we take the time to think about it.  What does a great school year look like for you?  Set your goals and you can reach them.  Enjoy your family and don’t be afraid to follow your instincts.

Keep me posted.

Marilynn

It happens to all of us and the good news is that we all get through it, but being the new kid can still make you fell like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Whether your child is entering pre-school, just moving in, or preparing for the unmitigated joy that is Middle School, being the new kid can be a scary experience.

Pre-Schoolers and Kindergarteners might worry about being away from Mom and Dad, zipping up their own coats, or the all important, finding the bathroom. (Admit it, we sometimes worry about that one even now, but I digress.)

Kids entering Middle or High School have different concerns, fitting in, making friends and of course, finding the bathroom.  (Are you seeing the common ground we share?)

Then there is the special joy of being new to a school in a grade where you think everyone else is already settled.  Transfers from across town or even another country face a special set of worries from meeting new people, meeting new expectations and wait for it… You guessed it… finding the bathroom.

We want our kids to be happy and successful in school and for them to feel secure enough to try new things and even learn something, so how can we help?  It sounds like a daunting task when you think about all the variables you cannot affect.  So many unknowns from new teachers, new peers and new communities, but you are not without choices.

We can choose to help our kids get comfortable with our new school in lots of ways.  Here are some tips that have worked for me.

1. Don’t be a stranger.  Visit the new school often before school even starts.  Take your little one to the playground, take a walk around campus and even try to meet some other students before the first day.  Lots of schools host Welcome Back events where young children can meet their teacher, classmates and even see the classroom.  If your school offers this chance, take it.  It is a great way to lesson the anxiety by getting more familiar with the school.   Feel free to reach out to other parents too.  If your child is starting a big entry year, (read Kindergarten, Middle or High School), you are not the only one who is new.  Reach out to each other and you will soon have a buddy for yourself as well as showing your little one how to make friends.
2. Talk about it.  It’s easy to imagine what your child might be concerned about, but unless you’re a mind reader, (and if you are, could you come with me to my next pitch meeting?), you can never know for sure what your child is thinking.  Try not to project what you are worried about, rather, ask open-ended questions and listen to your child actual concerns.  Maybe he isn’t worried about meeting new people, maybe it’s being sick on the school bus that has him worried.  Ask the questions and listen for the answers, they might just surprise you.
3. Embrace your inner Spin Doctor.  This is about good old-fashioned marketing.  Talk up the good points of the school and the fun of trying something new.  Chances are your Kindergartener has no idea she should be nervous, enjoy the joy of unblemished potential.  You chose this school for your child.  You have good instincts, trust yourself enough to know you made a good choice.  Share with your child how much fun the playground is at school, how friendly the teacher will be and most of all how happy you are that your child gets to go to such a great place.  All of this will help maintain a positive attitude of gratitude and that goes a long way toward a great year.
4. Be a good guest.  Remind your child that, at least in the beginning, the best approach is to be a good guest.  Your new school is, by definition, not your old school.  They will do things differently.  That is okay.  No one likes to feel judged so try to keep an open mind about things in your new school that you didn’t expect.  Better to say, “I’ve never seen it done that way…” than to preach about how much more efficiently your old school handled it.  You are a new member of a community that will have a big impact on your whole family.  Get to know them with an opened mind and a closed mouth when it comes to the way they do things.  Every school is different and most of them know what they are doing pretty well.  If you picked well, then you can afford to give them the benefit of the doubt and give yourself a break.

I guess that is the bottom line of any advice I ever give, trust yourself.  You are a good parent, not a perfect person, but a good parent.  You love your child and so chances are you will make good choices and have good instincts.  Trust your instincts.

Keep me posted.

Marilynn

You can learn a lot about your family and yourself when you head out on a hike of a new place.  You also learn a lot about the sense of humor of the guy who was in charge of posting the trails, but that is another story.  My family and I set out to hike up the Cave Hill not too long ago.  It starts out quite civilized with a formal garden and even a castle, but once you leave the fabled turrets behind you soon find yourself deep in a forest where every trail goes straight uphill.

For reasons I still don’t fully understand, I was elected to be the family field guide.  This is all kinds of crazy because I am well known in my family as having the unique ability of being able to get lost in a paper bag.  For years I would tell my kids that I wanted to show them a particular tree or house or even bird all so I could cover up that I was making yet another U-turn.   My sense of direction is somewhat legendary in my family and when I head out the door everyone asks if my GPS is working.  (It’s kind of sweet really.)

Anyway, because I had been on the trail as a child, (literally holding my mom’s hand and with a view of nothing but her handbag, (Yes, my mom trekked with her purse,) I was nonetheless appointed guide.  So with a confidence I didn’t know I could fake and with my little boy grinning ear-to-ear, we set off.  There are three trails and we chose the one that would lead us on a fairly easy walk and bring us within easy distance of the zoo.  Perfect right?  Sadly, not so much.

It wasn’t long before we came to a fork in the road and of course, no markings for the lovely blue trail we hoped to follow.  Imagine Lewis and Clark, Laurel and Hardy, Magellan and the Mad Hatter and you have a frighteningly good idea of the looks on our faces as we tried to figure out which way to go.  The forest around us was primordial and dense and a fine mist began to close in as we climbed.

I’m not sure what the difference is between a hill and a mountain, but I can tell you that what looks like a hill when you are standing at the foot of it full of hot tea and enthusiasm is most definitely a mountain when you are half way up and lost and wishing you had cell service.

It was about that point when I learned something new about my family.  There was no shortage of grumbling and frustrated remarks and special wishes of gratitude to the genius that failed to mark the trails; but there was also no shortage of giggles, hands helping hands and words of encouragement even for me, (since by now it was clear that reputation for always getting lost would remain in tact.)

It easily could have went the other way, there might have been arguing or blaming or tears, but there was none of the above.  There was laughter, a great story and two days of shoes on the radiator to try and dry them out.

So give it a try, hiking may not always be exactly like you expect it to be, (especially if you let a directionally challenged person be your guide) but it will be good for you, body and soul.  Activities like hiking, boating and really anytime your family gets a chance to work together are a great way to build your family team and learn about who your kids are growing up to be.  Even if you find yourself totally lost, you might just discover that your family is still heading in exactly the right direction.

Keep me posted.

Marilynn

It has been a long time since I’ve been in Ireland, (could be that 4 kids in 10 years has something to do with that).  I grew up coming to Belfast in the height of what was euphemistically called the Troubles.  There may well be no phrase in the English language that better illustrates the Irish gift for understatement.  The Troubles were a time of quiet fears and loud bangs. My mom decided that it was more important to visit family than it was to live with regrets and so we came.

I learned a lot from my time in Ireland.  I learned that family sticks together and that malt vinegar is delicious on hot chips, (fries).  I learned that bad times will pass and that humor is a valuable medicine.  Most of all I learned that I have strength I didn’t know and a deep love for all children.

I started telling my stories in Ireland many years ago when there was lots of little cousins with the time and interest to listen to their “Yank” cousin spin a yarn.  (I’m sure the promise of chocolates had nothing to do with it at all.)  I would make up all kinds of stories and change them along the way as I saw the children smile or yawn or even widen their eyes in anticipation.  I learned that stories have power.  Power to help and power to heal. I learned that a well-crafted story could help a child feel safe in an unpredictable world and make bedtime an event instead of a burden.

I learned about perspective too.  That every story had at least two sides, but usually many more.  I learned that truth lies somewhere in the crossroads of passion and hope.  I learned that life was a story unfolding around each of us and that if we would only take a moment we might understand who we are.

So now a new generation is here to share their stories and forge new bonds.  To learn about the past and shape the future all around the same kitchen table.  It is such a marvel to see your children feel at home in a new place simply because they feel accepted by the people.

A wise person once said that parents are here to give their kids roots and wings.  Most of us spend plenty of time on extra-curricular activities like athletic and artistic training.  We focus a lot on the skills they need and the opportunities we can provide so that our kids will have a great set of wings when the time comes to fly, but I think the roots are key too.

By sharing our heritage and past as well as helping our kids connect with their own generations across other cultures, we give them the roots they need as well.  The roots let them know that they are not alone, that their lives are in a context that is full of music, history and dreams.

So try to share your stories with your kids.  Show them who they might become by celebrating the generations that built the foundation they now stand upon.  You’ll enjoy the walk down Memory Lane and they’ll enjoy knowing the you that existed before you were Mom or Dad.  You just might see some Irish, African or Latin eyes smiling back at you.

With Irish Blessings,

Marilynn

This time last year I was only vaguely aware of a thing called Twitter and social media meant watching TV with friends.  Then, last fall I decided to take some good advice and reach out to my readers and friends on Facebook and Twitter.  You know how they say a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step?  Well, that first tweet was my first step.

To be totally candid, I had NO idea what to do or say and the first month or so had all the grace and eloquence of an elephant delivering the nightly news in a tutu.  Not pretty.  But even so, there was grace and eloquence coming from a warm and welcoming community of moms and dads and organizations that listened, reached out and even followed back.  I was humbled and grateful and I still am.

About 6 weeks in to my Twitter adventure I was bemoaning my awkwardness when I got some life changing advice.  Jenn, I owe you.  She told me to think of Twitter as one more way to simply talk to people, to have a relationship and share a laugh or a tip or news.  Then she clinched it by relating tweets to something only those of us over 30 might get.  “It’s like passing notes between friends.”

Cue the Alleluia Chorus!  Finally I understood.  Twitter is about friendship and a community of support that reminds me daily that we are not alone and we are here to help each other.   When Super Storm Sandy struck, we shared emergency alerts and power outage updates and when the Tragedy in Newtown happened we shared prayers and tips about helping our kids feel safe in an unpredictable world.  My Tweeps now join me on Monday nights at 9EST for #marilynnsinn and we share parenting tips and come together to celebrate the privilege of parenthood and the joy of the journey.

One of my very first followers, @janeeric03, and I even exchange gifts from time to time and I get the honor of having some of her daughter’s original artwork inspired by my stories.  I can’t describe how much that means to me.  To write for children and young adults and to actually hear back from them is the greatest gift a writer could have.

So here we are now, cruising through the 1000 follower mark and I am so happy to celebrate!  In our family we have a tradition.  For each of my kid’s birthdays I bake a cake in the flavor of their choice, (lemon and chocolate tend to be perennial favorites.)  Then I cut the cake into the shape of whatever age they are turning.  This was a great idea with a one year old, but I must admit, certain years I wonder how I’ll do it, (i.e. 3, 6, 9???)

No matter what though, I keep at it because it has become a way to remind my kids how happy and grateful I am to have them.  So here it is, I wish I could give you all a slice, but I think I’d need a food handler license in most states, so we’ll just have to use our virtual imaginations.  I baked our family’s favorites, lemon and chocolate and I was thinking of you.  To all my Twitter friends, the first 1000 and the thousands yet to come, you are a cherished part of our 4 Sunflowers Media family and so I baked you a cake to celebrate you because like my friends the Fuzzwippers always say, YOU ARE LOVED, NO MATTER WHAT.

Thanks for being a part of our family.

Marilynn