I CAN wade grief,

Whole pools of it,-

I’m used to that.

But the least push of joy

Breaks up my feet,

And I tip-

Emily Dickenson

Dear Moms and Dads,

 

The events of December 14, 2012 have left us grief-stricken and overwhelmed. Twenty-six innocent people were brutally massacred, twenty of them children.  The horror is unthinkable, unspeakable and yet we, as parents, must think and we must speak to our children.  We must have conversations none of us want to have and none of us are prepared for.  We have to help our own families heal because we too have been injured by this evil madman.  We have all lost a part of our innocence.  We have all felt the peace and joy of our Holiday Season stolen away.  We have all had to face the fact that grief and fear have a lot in common.

 

I’ve been thinking about the best ways to support children, yours, and mine as we all adjust to this new landscape.  So much has been destroyed, but we are natural builders.  Families are people who know how to rebuild and how to grow again.  I believe in families.  I believe in the miraculous alchemy of childhood that can transform pain into growth and I believe there is a way out of this crisis.  My own experience with violence in Northern Ireland has taught me that what happens next, in these moments of the aftermath, is vitally important in helping our children to heal.

 

There are simple steps we can take to reclaim our sense of security and rebuild our communities.  In the wake of evil like this our children look to us to learn what to do and how to respond. It sounds simple but I think the first thing we should do is hold each other.  Body language is crucial in all communication but now more than ever.  Hard news is softened when we hold hands and verbally and physically remind our kids that they are loved and that we are right here to support them.

 

I have 4 kids and I knew I’d have to tell the older 2 about what happened, but I desperately wanted to let my younger kids remain blissfully ignorant.  The only problem with my plan is that the rest of the world is talking all around them.  Media is everywhere and everyone is shaken and trying to support each other.  There is no way my little ones won’t be aware and so it is up to me to figure out how much to tell them.  Every parent has that right and no one knows your kids better than you.  You decide what and when and how much to say, my only advice is to keep it simple and truthful.  Our kids need to trust us to be straight with them, especially in times like these.

 

With 4 kids I need to remember that each of them will deal with this in his or her own way.  One wants to go for a run while another needs to draw a picture.  One is ready to volunteer and another is writing a story.  To me, all of these are good signs.  Kids process things in their own ways, but they are moving forward.  My job is to acknowledge and support them as best as I can.  I also have to remember that older kids need hugs and support just as much as little ones, but they may have trouble asking for it.  That’s why I keep plenty of hugs around for the teens and pre-teens in my life.  I am always impressed at the resiliency of children and the way they are already healing their heartache by making something new.

 

I’m trying to remind them that there is more good in this world than evil. That there was one evil man, but at least a hundred people who came running to help.  That what happened is heinous but the worst is over.  That now is a time for healing to begin, if not for the adults, at least for our children.

 

Children are still children and even in their sadness they are hungry for joy.  I think we can honor the ones we lost by letting their young lives inspire us to live each moment with joy and gratitude.  That way, like Emily Dickenson, even if we walk in grief, the littlest push of joy might be enough for us to tip…

 

May you tip toward the sun.

 

Marilynn Halas

Categories: General

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