October is bullying prevention month and I think that is outstanding. The first step to eradicating something is to raise awareness and this takes a great step in that direction. The thing is, the other eleven months of the year are also bullying prevention months, they just don’t enjoy the same fanfare.

Everyone agrees that bullying is a bad thing, bad for the child being bullied, bad for the community and bad for the bully, but not everyone is willing to acknowledge that it can happen anywhere at anytime. Kids definitely tussle about as they learn to deal with each other in social and school environments and a certain amount of that is normal; but there is no amount of bullying that is ever normal. So how do you know the difference between normal friction and bullying? How do you know when to get involved and when to let the kids try to work it out? That, my friends is the million-dollar question.

I wish I could offer you fool proof guarantees that there is a magic formula that will work in every case and every situation. Sadly, that kind of snake oil doesn’t exist. What I can offer is a plan that we can tailor to work with any situation, but it absolutely has to be understood that bullying must be handled on a case-by-case basis. Just as each child is different and always changing and growing, so is each situation.

We all know that kids learn best when they are relaxed and engaged, not an easy thing to be when you don’t feel safe. Imagine going to work everyday and having a real fear of someone you work with; not just a dislike, a real fear. Imagine hoping they’ll call out sick everyday on your way to work. Imagine that this person takes things from you and embarrasses you in front of your colleagues. Imagine that this person even assaults you from time to time when no one is looking and tries to turn your friends against you. Horrible right? Now imagine that you cannot leave this job for at least the next four years. That is just a little bit of what it feels like to be bullied.

Getting bullied is not the same thing as not getting along. Getting bullied means feeling scared and demeaned day in and day out for a prolonged period of time. Being bullied leaves a wound and only the people around you can help you change it from a disfiguring scar to the beauty mark of a survivor.

So what can you do? First, learn to recognize bullying when you see it. No doubt there are times kids fool around and learning means making mistakes. Social emotional learning means making mistakes too. Kids can be rude, bossy and struggle for dominance and it may never rise to the level of bullying. That back and forth can be perfectly normal. Bullying is different. It is not normal. It is abusive. Bullying is not a back and forth competition for pecking order. Bullying runs in only one direction, downhill. Bullying is the systematic crushing of another person’s spirit. So what do you do about? Here’s a good place to start.

1. Once you know that bullying is happening, get involved. No child can overcome a bully alone.

2. Make sure your child has SAFE WORDS. My personal favorite is Back Off!

3. Role-play every single night until your child can effectively use his or her safe words. Teach your child how to say them verbally and with body language. It can take months, but so can potty training and this life skill is just as important.

4. If your child is bullied at school, talk to the teacher privately, never n front of the other children. To do so just completely undermines your child’s respectability among his or her peers.

5. Do not take it upon yourself to talk to the bully’s parents. To do so has a much greater chance of escalating the situation and creating a defensive and offensive posture. Better to ask for the teacher’s help in turning this situation into a learning experience for both children.

6. Never badmouth the bully. To do so just make you the bully’s bully and let’s face it, you are the adult.

7. Tell your child you believe them and take the situation seriously. Also tell your child that you know they can handle it. Empower your child and show your belief in their competence, even as you work with the teacher to turn things around.

8. Be on your child’s team. Let them know you are with them. Be transparent. It is vital that your child knows that you are involved in the resolution. Never go behind their back, to do so teaches your child not to trust you.

9. Be confident, even if you have to fake it at first. These situations can be a growth opportunity for everyone and sometimes the bully can even become a buddy. Remember, even the bully is someone else’s child.

10. Stand together as a community. Teach children to have safe words and to help each other. Teach them how to stand up for themselves and how to stand together against a problem. Remember, it must always be the group against the issue, never the group against each other.

If you can do these things, you will surely have your face to the sun and all shadows, like bullying will fall behind.

Categories: General

This entry was posted on Friday, October 12th, 2012 at 7:59 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.