Speed Bumps and Stop Signs
One of the most enjoyable parts of being a parent is when we get to say YES. Most of us relish those moments when what our child asks for lines up with what we know is best for them. Sometimes it’s an ice cream at the park or an extra five minutes before bed to finish their game, but either way, it’s a treat for us moms and dads to get to treat our kids.
Like all good things, treating and saying yes are best enjoyed in moderation. If we had ice cream everyday, we would have the teeth and weight issues that go along with it. If we added an extra five minutes every night, bedtime would become a joke and tired, unfocused kids would be all around us.
What makes it a treat, after all, is that it is different from the norm. So how do we figure out when enough is enough or when everyone needs a little treat and what the heck does any of this have to do with speed bumps and stop signs?
Years ago, my friend, Jill and I were talking about parenting our toddlers and we began to describe it in a very similar way. As much as we might wish to skip that part of parenthood, the reality is that sometimes, moms and dads need to be like stop signs. Certain rules of the road exist for the health and safety of everyone and now matter how often or creatively a child asks to get around them; just like a stop sign, they are non-negotiable.
You have to hold hands crossing the street. You have to have a check-up. You have to do your homework. These are things that are non-negotiable for many of us. Teaching your child that you are willing and even able to set limits for them does a lot more than just keep them physically safe. It keeps them mentally safe too. A young child counts on his or her parents to keep them safe, even from themselves. A child who knows that mom or dad is looking out for them can be bolder and more willing to take a risk because that child feels secure.
It is a much more peaceful home when a child understands what is expected and has a predictable routine. Your child learns to respect you as you show him or her that you believe in them, even in their capability to exercise self-control. Okay, so sometimes we have to be stop signs, but speed bumps?
Speed bumps are about the maybe moments. When a child asks for something you don’t usually allow, but you might consider, at that moment, you are a speed bump. Everyone has to slow down and proceed with a little extra caution. If you agree, full steam ahead. If not, stop sign. Showing your kids both means they appreciate the treat because they know you aren’t a speed bump all the time.
Showing your kids that you have a full range of responses, sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes just this once, teaches them how to respond to choices in their own lives. How to make good choices is a necessary life skill, in fact, it’s a major point of parenthood.
I believe in gentle, but firm stop signs. I remember a night when my calls to get ready for bed were met with sleepy heads insisting that they weren’t tired. No need for a big deal. I just explained to them that being tired was not required; it was still time for bed. They just smiled and off to bed. I guess they are used to their mom’s sense of humor.
I believe in regular and worthwhile speed bumps. I remember a day when everyone came home from work and school feeling overwhelmed and so we decided to make it a backwards day and have pancakes for dinner. No vegetables, no protein, just hot pancakes with melted butter and maple syrup. It was the perfect slow down for everyone.
So remember, speed bumps and stop signs can be great ways to keep our faces to the sun and let the shadows fall behind.
Marilynn
Categories: General
